


The Note

by LeoOtherLands



Series: All the Broken Pieces [9]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Canon Divergence, Caring, Goodbyes, Love, M/M, Post-Canon, Rare Pairings, References to Depression, Sadness, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-04 15:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20472986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeoOtherLands/pseuds/LeoOtherLands
Summary: There is no good way of saying goodbye.





	The Note

My eyes happened on the note by chance. I really wasn’t looking for it; nothing was out of place in the sun beam and dust-mote stillness of the drowsy afternoon. The kitchen was as it should be, and our apartment filled full of calm normalcy. The silence was a given with Sai. He liked quiet. Said it was good to draw in.

That’s what I thought the note was at first; another drawing. Sai had them scattered all over the house. He was never anywhere without paper, ink, and lead pencils, and he left his complete and half-finished creations behind him like the litter in the trail of a summer storm.

Forgotten.

Sai never looked at something once he was done with it. No point, he said. Only look to the current obsession. The moment. One breath, one step, one line on paper at a time. That’s how he lived.

I was different. I collected his discarded offspring and put them away for another day. The good and the bad and the neutral.

_You might want them one day, Sai._

_No, I won’t. But you may keep them, Kakashi._

My hands were full of groceries in paper sacks, but that’s what I moved to do, despite the fact: pick up the piece of paper and hoard it for later.

Only, it wasn’t a drawing. No fluid, curved lines painting a picture of a face or a place or a lace of nothing. Just words in Sai’s ever neat penmanship.

The bags spilled from my arms one by one in a slow-moving avalanche, as if in stop motion. My shacking limbs did nothing to catch them or stifle the smash of glass within. The note was trembling too much in my hand for me to care.

“Shit! Fuck! Sai!”

No answer, of course. There wouldn’t be. Sai was too efficient for that and he wouldn’t do it in the house. Not in the apartment we called home and where I would need to stay.

Stepping over the mess on the floor, I bolted to the screen door letting on the backyard. Crashed through it out into the hot, bright light of summer beating on crisp grass. Insects buzzed and I didn’t know which was louder, them or the sound in my head.

My labored breathing tugged heavy at my chest, and my feet carried me down the slope of yard to the patch of woods bordering my property in the Hatake compound. There was one place Sai loved above all others, one he returned to time and again, with and without me. My body knew the way, and that was good because my mind had vacated the premises and left me wide-eyed and stupid.

_Please, Sai, no._

Begging had never done any good with the ink user, though. He’d always known what he wanted. Refused to budge. How could anyone be so lost and so sure at once? I could never know. I wasn’t like that. Lost, yes. Sure, seldom.

Sai was right where I knew he would be. The path ended at a grassy bank under tree-shade and waving leaf-shadows. The stream was a mirror to both. Light and shadows playing over its trickling surface. Like liquid glass. Crystal holding a shape in its center.

Sai lay in the stream. Under the water with his typical calm undisturbed. His eyes were closed, and his hair rippled with the undulating current. Lips so soft and slightly parted.

Ribbons of blood still drifted from the slits in his wrists, but that was a deception. His heart had stopped beating some time ago. The blue in his fingertips and lips spoke of that.

“Ah, _kami_, no!”

Dropping the note, I hadn’t realized I still clutched, I splashed into the water, tripped, fell on my ass, pulled his limp form unto my lap. His head fell back over my thigh, one arm on my legs, the trialing in the stream with the water running around it. His skin was cold, and I was shivering in the hot day.

That was all I could do. Hold him and sit there, eyes welling with tears I wouldn’t shed. Eyes drifting to the note on the bank, one of its corners fluttering in the thin breeze.

_Let me first say, I am not sorry, Kakashi. Not sorry for leaving, only sorry you’ll wish I hadn’t. I know you wish for me to stay, but I really can’t anymore. I don’t wish to live. I haven’t in some time. Everything that needed to be done, is done. There is nothing left I want to do, and the ink and paper aren’t enough anymore. I don’t want to forever be leaving broken fragments in my wake. There are just too many pieces that don’t fit together and never have. I don’t want to live for pictures on paper. And I can’t live for you, Kakashi. There comes a time when we all have to live for ourselves, and this is for myself. That is the main point. This is not your fault, Kakashi. You’ve done all you could and more, and I wish you to know you should not consider yourself a failure. You have been a wonderful caption and friend. Would have been more, if I’d allowed it. I truly do love you. Know that too. I wish there were more to say, but the truth is, there is no good way of saying goodbye._

_Sai_

**Author's Note:**

> This salty ball of angst and glitter is an original fiction author and fan fiction writer, who literally lives for comments and reader interaction. Even if this is nothing but inarticulate vowel screams, lol. He exist on a flotilla of social media, separated into a wide array writery things.
> 
> If you are crazy enough to want to see what I'm writing on any given day, and maybe try tempting me into writing something specific, feel free to join me in my personal writing Discord [Midway](https://discord.gg/jsQw96p), or friend me on Discord at LeoOtherland#7066 if you would rather chat one on one.
> 
> On Facebook I can be located on my [author page](https://www.facebook.com/LeoOtherland/) for all things original fiction, or in the [AO3 Armada group](https://www.facebook.com/groups/601270063618951) for all things fan fiction.
> 
> On [Twitter](https://twitter.com/RoseOfOtherLand) or [Tumbler](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/leootherlands) I primarily run with the fan fiction crowd and I seldom post and/or tweet anything, but if you want to drop me a line, I am always up for a chat.


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